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  I bite the inside of my lip, inhale slowly and look at him. I make the decision to stay. I really do love him and if he is so sincere and is making such an effort to reconcile, how can I not at least try. We took vows before God and man. I owe it to my children and myself to give it at least one more try.

  “Ok, I’ll stay. I love you and I really want our marriage to work. However, for the sake of my sanity, and our children, if there is any infidelity in this marriage from this point on, I am gone. I am packing up my children and it is over. So, here’s your chance to come clean. Is there anything else that I need to know about speak now or forever hold your peace,” I tell him. “There is no coming back to this moment, this is it.”

  He gazes up at me, says there is nothing else, and proceeds to push me back on the chair and for the first time in almost three years, I allow my husband to make love to me.

  Kaden 2

  How can I explain this? You know how you know something when you know? I knew I loved her when I laid eyes on her. It was one day after school while we were on break from football practice, and the cheerleaders were practicing in the gym. I saw Naima and knew instantly that she was the one I was going to marry. I love everything about her. The way her hazel eyes crinkle in the corner when she smiles. The soft melody of her laughter, the way she flips her hair over her shoulder when she reads a book, how she bites her lip when she gets frustrated and does not know exactly what to say. She is the real deal, a one-stop shop.

  I remember the day I married her. She was all of 18 years old. Everyone paled in comparison to her. I do not recall too much about the ceremony; my focus was on Naima and our daughter Namiyah. Naima was so beautiful when she pledged her undying devotion to me. Though our families were not in attendance because we decided at the spare of the moment to get married, she never let it show that it bothered her. And when she walked down the aisle, placed her hand in mine and gazed up at me with those gorgeous hazel eyes and said to her, “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I knew at that moment that I would never let her go. Nothing would stop me from keeping this woman. Nothing.

  Now fast-forwarding to present day, my football career is in the toilet, my marriage is in rehab and I am searching for meaning in my life. Not too long ago I had coaches knocking down my door to get to me on their team, and agents ringing my phone off the hook. I was a damn commodity and just like that, it was all taken away from me one night I made the mistake fooling with a stripper hoe that changed my life, as I knew it forever.

  I remember it like it happened this morning. We were on the road in Dallas, Texas for an away game. We had just won and were going out to celebrate. My teammates and I set out to a local bar to get a couple drinks and have a good time. Little did we know that the bar had just been turned into a strip club - and there went my life. It is amazing how a couple hours of play can change the outcome of your life for years to come.

  The place was ritzy for a strip club. I was actually impressed with the ambiance. There was valet parking, VIP seating and the club also served as a restaurant. This was the first time that I had been exposed to a full-nudity club. I was hyped! I felt like this must be what it was all for. The grueling practices, the aches and pains…all of it was worth moments like these.

  The night began with the fellas buying rounds of drinks, and by the fifth round, I stopped counting. I was flying high as a kite and enjoying the celebration. All of a sudden, the lights dimmed and the club music stopped. The DJ switched and put on R. Kelly’s Feeling on your Booty came on.

  I looked toward the stage and my breath caught when I saw her; I damn near dropped my drink. I just wanted to stare at her all night. It is as if her body was a piano and I was Mozart - her music spoke to me.

  She was a little woman with brown locks and honey-blond streaks. She stood about five feet in height, and came complete with perky breasts, a small waist, and a whole lot of ass. To this day, I am still trying to figure out how her little body held up that ass.

  Immediately my body tuned into hers. The image of that ass is etched in my mind forever. I waited until she finished her dance and as soon as she left the stage, I went in search of her and found her at the bar.

  As I was approaching, she must have felt my presence because she turned and looked up at me expectantly. As I got closer to her, I could see that the color of her eyes were grey. She was not as beautiful as Naima but she had a sexual aura that made me gravitate toward her. I wanted her. Right there on top of the bar, it did not matter. Wherever I could get her, I would take her.

  “How may I help you?” she said in a soft-spoken husky voice.

  I saw she had a red tongue ring. I think I came twice with her statement. I did not know a single voice could weld that much power.

  “I saw you perform on stage and I came over to let you know what a great job you did.” I said to her.

  “Well thanks for the compliment. But I dance every night. It is what I do. Unless that’s not really why you came over and you just haven’t gotten to that part yet,” she saidwith a smile that highlighted the deepest set of dimples I had ever seen.

  “Actually you caught me. That is not why I came over. I was really wondering if you would be up for seeing me after you’re done here at the club?” I asked.

  “It depends on what you plan on doing with me once we leave,” she replied.

  I glanced down at her small, yet ample frame, and imagined all the positions that I could put her in. I wondered if she really wanted to know or find out first hand.

  “I can show you better than I can tell you,” I said while looking into those big, bright grey eyes.

  She looked me up and down and gently pushed off the bar and said in a husky rhythm that is all her own, “Let’s go, I’m done dancing for the evening so I am available to you.”

  I guided her to my rented pearl-white Escalade, and she barely got the door closed before I dragged her on top of me and tried to get her out of her clothes. She had already unzipped my pants and put her mouth to work.

  Her tongue ring felt so good. I loved the way she made it slowly run over the vein in my penis. What can I say she had skills, skills, and more skills. That ass felt better than it looked. I worked the shit out of her until she and I became completely exhausted. I promised myself I would never forget an ass like that.

  What she and I did forget was protection - and that was, hands down, the stupidest thing I had ever done. Sexing a stripper with no protection, and I didn’t even know the ho’s name to make matters worse.

  While she dressed and got herself together, I thought about the stupidity of my actions. From the corner of my eye I see headlights coming straight for us.

  One of my stupid, drunken teammates was behind the wheel of his rented Hummer H2. Why the hell he was driving that wasted beyond me all I know is he was coming my way and I heard his brakes squeal as he tried to stop, but there is no way that car was going to stop before it got to my vehicle. I was paralyzed in fear. My body braced for the impact because there was nowhere for me to go and nothing I could do. When the Hummer connected with my Escalade, it was like nothing that I had ever experienced before.

  I remember waking up in the hospital and the doctor telling me that my football career was over. He didn’t use those words exactly, but he might as well have. The accident caused me to break my back and shatter my left knee; there is no fixing that. I have so many rods under my skin, I get apprehensive ever time I go through a metal detector.

  I was so distraught about injuries that I forgot about the dancer, that I later found they called Apple. It only takes two guesses to figure why she was called that, said one ass cheek to the other. One of my teammates came to visit me at the hospital and alerted me to the fact that she was killed in the accident along with my other teammate that was driving the Hummer.

  Apple died on impact. Then about two months later, after my wife found out she was pregnant, she learned that I had given her chlamydia. Apple mus
t have given me that shit because a month prior to the accident I had been examined and didn’t have shit and I was only sleeping with my wife, and after the accident I was only sleeping with my wife…well at least for a little while.

  I will never forget that night as long as I live. Too many things died that night - Apple, my teammate, my career, my marriage but most importantly my spirit.

  Ok, I’ll stay. I love you and I really want our marriage to work. However, for the sake of my sanity and our children if there is any infidelity in this marriage from this point on I am gone. I am packing up my children and it is over. So here’s your chance to come clean. Is there anything else that I need to know about speak now or forever hold your peace. There is no coming back to this moment this is it……. There is nothing else.

  That conversation was almost a month ago and everyday I kick myself for not coming clean about Haven. I should have told Naima that in college, one of the girls I had cheated on her with was Haven Williams, her best friend. I just could not do it for some reason. I just couldn’t. She was two seconds from packing her bags and leaving, I think that would have been the final straw, and I could not have that happen. Not to me. I love that woman, I may have done a lot of foul shit in the past but she will always be my number one. Always.

  That does not mean that seeing Haven sometimes doesn’t make it difficult to stay on the straight and narrow. She and Naima share so many of the same qualities, or at least they used too. That, perhaps, is part of the attraction I have to her.

  The only problem with Haven is that woman does not know how to stay put.She’s always wanting more than I can give her. She honestly thinks I will leave my wife and family for her. Why is she kidding herself? After all these years, you would think she would get it.

  It started as a fling in college, and now I still go back and tap it every now and then. I know it is wrong but what can I say? I am a man, and since she is always throwing it at me, I am going to take it; not all the time, but most.

  Recently, however, she has begun to get too clingy and attached. I actually don’t want anything to do with her anymore, but if I go that route she may expose us both and I cannot have that happen to Naima. It would kill her spirit and I cannot hurt her anymore. I just do not know how to cut Haven off cold without hurting her and all the drama that she is known to bring.

  Right now, I am waiting at Haven’s house to visit Kaven. This woman never seems to be on time. Naima is always so punctual and put together. Don’t get me wrong I love Kaven, and I know he thinks that I am the best godfather ever, but a brotha feels stuck. What do I do now? How do I mend my marriage, explain Haven, and keep the secrets we hold? I have made such a mess of my life. I jump slightly as I hear tires screeching, and it’s Haven looking a hot mess.

  “Sorry to keep you waiting honey. Kaven’s football practice ran over,” she yells out of the window as the car comes to a halt in the driveway.

  I look at her in disgust. Haven has on a house robe, rollers in her hair - which is so short I don’t know what she is rolling around them - and house slippers. You know, the leather kind that inmates wear.

  “Haven, I’m not your honey please don’t address me as such. My name is Kaden and I would like you to use it. How could you embarrass yourself and Kaven by coming out of the house that way? You look a mess,” I tell her.

  Instantly her face frowns up and looks dejected.

  “Well excuse me for trying to pamper myself. I just remembered that you were coming by today. I had to rush to get Kaven home to see you. What? I don’t look like your precious Naima is that the problem?”

  “Yes, actually that is the problem. Naima always has herself put together, and would never be caught dead outside the house looking the way you’re dressed now.”

  “You know what Kaden shove it, okay? I’m not in the mood today.” She turns to face my godson. “Kaven go change out of your practice clothes so you can visit with your godfather for awhile.” She looks back at me. “I would appreciate it if you held your tongue in front of Kaven. This situation is messy enough without you constantly adding fuel to the damn fire.”

  “Haven this situation is beyond messy and I think that you and I should cool it. Naima is thinking about leaving me and I cannot have that happen. I love her too much. She’s willing to give me another chance if I come clean about everything and I am working my way up to telling her about you and Kaven.”

  “What!? So basically what you are saying is no more you and me?” She pauses a moment and then says. “You know, I don’t think we should talk on an empty stomach. I already cooked dinner so come on in and play with Kaven while I clean myself up a bit and get dinner on the table.”

  I look at her, considering her offer, and agree to go in. After all, I did come over to spend some time with Kaven so it is best that I do that.

  After dinner, Kaven and I are sitting in the living room playing his Xbox 360, when Haven walks in looking fly as shit. I mean Damn was all I could think.

  “Where you think you going?” I ask her.

  She tries to conceal her smile and says, “I’m going out a little later. That cool with you?”

  “Hell no you are not going out in that outfit with anyone,” I tell her. She is covered in Gucci from head to toe. The short hair has been spiked to frame her pretty, brown face. On her throat is a Tiffany necklace. She has on a Gucci skin-tight white halter dress that radiates off her dark skin, a Tiffany charm bracelet and strappy Gucci sandals that lace up her leg. Wherever she thought she was going before she can cancel it, because she is on my dessert menu tonight.

  “I think its time we put Kaven to bed.” I tell her as I get really close to her and whisper. “Because I am trying to put you to sleep next.”

  She giggles softly and says, “I like getting put to sleep.” She turns to Kaven and says, “Come on honey, time for bed.”

  We put Kaven to bed and once again, I fall victim to the web that I have weaved for myself, and cannot escape.

  I awaken to Haven’s obnoxiously loud snoring and slobber-induced face. She sleeps on her back with her mouth wide open looking like a congested seal. Again, Haven has managed to disgust me and I cannot help but compare her to Naima.

  Naima looks like an angel when she sleeps. Whenever I look at her I know what Heaven must be like, which is where I should be now, rather than waking up next to this imitation Troll doll. I silently roll off the bed and proceed to gather my belongs, as not to awaken Haven. Just when I reach the door and think I have made it home free, I hear a rustling from the bed and a raspy voice say, “Hey stranger, where are you going?”

  I turn and look at the Troll talking from the bed and say, “Home to my wife I should not be here. What we did was wrong and I’m out.”

  “WHAT!? So you’re just going to use me like I’m a piece of trash and throw me in the nearest waste basket when you’re done?” The troll screeches from the bed.

  “Haven it was not my intent to use you. I got caught up in this situation and I should have walked away along time ago. This is completely my fault and I take full responsibility, but I have to go home now, my wife will be worried and wondering where I am.”

  The Troll in the bed sniffles, and I cannot believe I am dealing with this. I need to be home with my wife and children. I pause, trying to think of something to say, and realize that there is nothing, so I turn and leave.

  On my way home, my cell phone vibrates, indicating that a text message has come through. I flip open my phone and it is from Haven. I open it and cannot believe my eyes…the Troll-looking monster is trying to blackmail me. I read the message glaring back at me. Either you leave Naima for good, or I’m going to introduce Namiyah and Kalani to their brother; not their god-brother, as they know him. That sentence plays over and over in my head.

  Haven 3

  Today is Wednesday - Hump Day as the working class calls it. I am outside Houston’s restaurant waiting for Kaden. He and I have a lunch date. He says that we need to talk
things over. I am anxious to hear what he has to say. The other day I know we had words, but the way the night ended, I know he loves me. I don’t know why he keeps trying to avoid the obvious.

  He acts as if it is hard for him, and not for me. Does he not know that it is hard to be best friends with the wife of the man that you are in love with? This dilemma is my life. I love Naima I really do, she is like the sister that I always wanted, but you really cannot help who you love. I listen to her talk about Kaden and sometimes I want to throw up, especially when she gets graphic about their sexual escapades, which are rare nowadays. I cannot stand it! Being the good friend that I am, I listen and silently agree with her. He sure does know how to use what God gave him. Oh, I hate her so much! This is what I struggle with day in and day out - my love/hate relationship with Naima.

  We have been friends for 22 years, and you would think there are enough men in the world, but I want this one. What made her so special that Kaden just had to have her? I remember it like it was yesterday, us being in high school, her scoping on Kaden. I tried to deter her from him, and vice versa, but he went after her anyway. What does she have that I don’t? Hair that goes all the way down her back? Big deal. Or maybe her caramel complexion? But brown sistas are in, obviously because her man can’t get enough of me. He is always coming back for more.

  But it goes deeper than that. The reason that I want things to work out with Kaden is our seven-year-old son Kaven Williams. With my brown complexion, and his dad’s green eyes, he is a secret that Kaden and I share. I am actually surprised that Naima has not figured it out by now. Though Kaven looks like me, he has so many of his father’s personality traits. I think Naima is so busy being the proud godmother that she does not think about it too often, or maybe she is in denial. I never did tell her who the father was, but to be quite honest, she never asked either.